Not Looking For a Cure
by pandorabox82
Summary: Erin goes looking for answers as to why Spencer Reid has come back to work so soon after losing Maeve. Will the answers she finds do more to help heal her soul than to give her the answers she desperately seeks?
1. Chapter 1

Erin knocked softly on the door of Spencer's apartment. She knew that he had flown out to join his team on a case not two weeks after he had lost his girlfriend, and she was worried about his mental health. This was the second time Alpha team had faced a tragedy of this nature and, much though she hated to admit it, she was worried about them.

"Go away, Garcia. I'm not in the mood today," she heard from behind the door and she took a deep breath before knocking once more. "I said, I'm not in the mood."

"It's not Ms. Garcia, Dr. Reid. Please, let me in."

It took a moment, but finally the door opened and she stepped inside. She felt like she was walking into the New York Public Library, what with the hardcover books lining the wall and the dim lighting. "What can I do for you?" he asked, his voice flat and emotionless as he looked at a spot on her shoulder.

"I wanted to talk for a little bit."

He let out a mirthless laugh. "Come to gawk at the grieving widower, Chief Strauss?"

Erin shook her head. "No, I've honestly come to find out how you are. May I please have a glass of water?" Her small request seemed to catch him off guard and he nodded, going into the kitchen. "And do you mind if I take a seat on the sofa?"

"Go right ahead, make yourself at home." She chose to ignore the sarcasm in his voice and gingerly sat on the sofa, waiting for him to return. "So, what is it that you want to talk about, Ma'am?"

"You. How are you really doing, Spencer?"

He handed her the glass of water before sitting down next to her, clasping his hands over his knees. "I've already talked with the psychologist and been given the green light to return, if that's what your worried about, Erin."

She smiled a little at his use of her first name. "No, that's not what I'm worried about, though I doubt any on your team would ever fail that test. You all have a hand in the updates of it every year, after all."

"Maybe Garcia. She has no subterfuge, at all." A tiny smile flickered across his face and she smiled in return. "I couldn't save her. I thought that I could fool Diane, trick her into believing I had forsaken Maeve. I couldn't act well enough. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? We're supposed to be able to read an unsub and talk them down off the ledge. And I failed her. I hesitated. And then, and then…"

Spencer's voice trailed off as he started to cry softly and she felt her own eyes well up in sympathy. After taking a sip of water, she set the glass aside and then reached out to cover his hands with one of her own. He looked up at her, and she sucked in a deep breath at how hollow his eyes looked. "And how are the cravings, Spencer?"

"I'm keeping them at bay, so far. It's been rough these last few days, though. I don't know why. It's been a little over three weeks. I just can't find a way to start over, it seems. I don't want to put myself out there."

"You want to close your heart off from further hurts. I might only understand one iota of what you're going through, but that would be it. Did you ever read C. S. Lewis?"

"Mom read me the Chronicles of Narnia. But I never really went back to read the rest of his works. Why?"

"He has this wonderful quote about love, and how it is only when we are vulnerable that we are able to love. If you have time, you should read _The Four Loves_. It has helped me immensely, ever since Dave and I broke up." She broke off, looking down at their entwined hands. "But you don't want to hear about that, it's such a boring, obvious, story."

A few of the tears that filled her eyes spilled down her cheeks and she resisted the urge to wipe them away, not wanting to call attention to her own petty sorrows in the face of his tragedy. "Tell me. Tell me a story about love."

"I wish I had a perfect one to tell you."

"Love isn't perfect. It's messy and it hurts. But I know now, how much it is worth." Spencer threaded his fingers with hers and held on to her hand tightly. "Tell me, please."

Finally, she nodded. "I had just gotten out of rehab and David helped me pick up the pieces of my life. Alan left me, years ago, and so I yearned for that gentle care he showed me. I foolishly let myself fall in love with him and made plans for a future. And our first few months were so sweet."

"What happened to change that?"

"He called my Carolyn. I look nothing like her, Spencer, and yet, in the middle of sex, he would start calling me by her name. I told him what he was doing, and he tried to change, but it still happened. You can't live with a ghost, there's no competing with that." She looked up into his eyes, seeing her sorrow reflected there. "Please, when you find your next love, tell her about Maeve, but do not compare her to Maeve. It will only break her heart when she realizes she can't live up to a dead woman."

He nodded, a soft look crossing his features as he reached up to brush away the tears the wetted her cheeks. "I will try to keep that in mind, Erin." She nodded before nuzzling her face against his hand, relishing the warmth that seeped into her skin from his hand. "Would you mind if I kissed you?"

The request was so out of the blue that she stiffened, staring into his eyes. There was no malice there, not that she had expected any, but the small flicker of desire was shocking to her. "Why would you want to kiss me?"

"To comfort you. You've seemed sad lately, like me, and I, I just want to disappear into someone else for a short time. Garcia is lovely, but she can get on my nerves at times."

"I know how that can be, I've had friends like that before. But what about the others? Surely there is someone else in your life that you would rather do this with."

"Not that I can think of. I need one moment of time where I forget about the outside world, and here you are. Are you willing?"

She closed her eyes as she thought about his proposition. It would be nice to have an afternoon of pleasure, no strings attached sex with a man young enough to be her son, even if barely so. And yet, she was afraid of the aftermath. "I might be. Would you be able to not hold this against me? Would you still respect me afterwards?"

Erin couldn't look up at him, she was afraid to see his rejection there. "Look at me, Erin." Slowly, her eyes slid open and met his once more. "I will still respect you. We've both fought against bitter demons that almost destroyed us, and yet here we are, standing tall. How could I hold something like finding comfort with another against you?"

Hesitantly, she nodded, reaching out to place her hand over his heart. "All right, yes. I will let you kiss me, and we will see where this leads." He covered her hand as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. For some reason, all she could think of was paper, the soft paper that had been lovingly worn over many years of reading, as he kissed her. Gently, she pressed back and purred a little as he dug his fingers into her hair, holding her close to him.

The kiss seemed to go on for the longest time as he pushed her back against the couch, running his hand up and down her side, his thumb brushing against her breast, teasing her with feather light touches. Erin arched up into his hand, wanting to get closer to him. "What do you say, will you let me lead you further?"

She was breathing heavily, staring up into his eyes. He was smiling, she could tell by the way the corner of his eyes crinkled, and she smiled back, nodding imperceptibly. He reached up and ran his thumb along her cheekbone. "Let's take this to the bedroom then."

"All right, Spencer." He sat up and helped her to her feet, leading her along. The lighting in his room was even softer and she breathed in deeply. The scent of old books was even more pronounced here and she loved the sensation of being wrapped in words even as she was being wrapped up in his arms. Again, he kissed her, letting it deepen this time as his hands came to rest on her ass.

For the first time, she noticed that his touches were unsure, hesitant, and she wondered how much experience he had. Deciding to test him, she ran her tongue along the seam of his lips, hoping he would let her in. As his lips parted, she slid her tongue inside, caressing his, urging him to push back. Finally, he got the hint and began to duel with her. Moaning a little, she pressed her body closer to his, letting her hands roam up and down his back.

His erection pressed against her stomach and she sucked in a breath as she felt how big he was. She knew that he would be comparable to David and was glad that he would fit with her. Erin smiled against his lips as she fumbled with the buckle on his belt. Once it was undone, she undid his pants and pushed them down his legs. Breaking their kiss, she stepped back and looked at the way his boxers tented out. "Erin," he whined and she cocked her head.

"How many?"

"How many what? Oh. One. Austin. She, she didn't mind my awkwardness."

"And I won't either." She reached up and stroked his cheek lightly. "Is there anything you're more comfortable with? Or would you like me to lead?"

He shrugged a little, a bright flush staining his cheeks. "We just sort of let things take their course. We didn't really talk about it."

"Ah, I see." Erin reached up and tugged her blouse from her skirt before quickly undoing the buttons, letting it slide to the floor. His breathing hitched a little as he stared at her chest. The pearl colored bra that she'd worn to the office that morning did little to conceal the fact that her nipples were already tight buds and she ran her hands over them, pinching them lightly even as he watched.

She went to unzip her skirt when his control snapped. He reached out and grabbed her wrist lightly before using his free hand to run the zipper down her side. And then they were standing before each other in only their underwear. "Erin, may I take your bra off?" She nodded and stepped closer to him. Spencer reached behind her back and fumbled with the clasp before finally undoing it, tugging it off her arms and chest. He hung onto her shoulders as he knelt before her, resting his head on her stomach as he slid his hands around to cup her breasts, thumbing her nipples softly.

Her breathing began to pick up as she felt desire pool in core. "I want to feel your lips here, Spencer," she said breathlessly, tugging on his hair to bring his lips close to her breasts. He nodded and pressed his lips against the underside of one heavy breast, snaking his tongue out to lap at the tiny bit of sweat that had begun to pearl on her skin. "Oh, god, Spencer, right there."

He let out a steady stream of air and Erin bit her lip as her knees weakened. She staggered against him and he easily caught her, guiding her over to his bed and helping her down onto it. "I don't know how much longer I can hold out, Erin. My first time with Austin was really short, too." She could hear the embarrassment in his voice and she nodded, shimmying out of her panties as he took off his boxers. "One second."

"Take all the time you need, Spencer," she said lowly, skimming her hand down her body to thumb her clit lazily while she watched him fumble with the condom wrapper and finally roll it on. "Let me tell you a secret. David still has trouble with condoms, too. I don't think many of his lovers ever made him wear one."

His shoulder visibly relaxed until he looked up at her. "Oh, Erin, oh." She nodded and held up her arms, letting him sink into her willing body. She made no comment when he got off before she did, only holding him close as he began to cry once more that afternoon.

"You did fine, Spencer," she whispered in her ear, even as her hips continued to move absently, even as her body tried to find completion. Closing her eyes, she kissed him sweetly, her hand drifting down to once more tease herself, giving herself a quick orgasm. Her arms tightened around his waist and pulled him close to her, letting him cry. Her own tears soon joined his and they held each other tightly.

"Why are you crying?" he finally asked as he turned them.

Erin sprawled her body across his, her arm still curled around his waist. "I think I missed this, this communing of souls. I'm sure that sounds so silly to you, that you know every scientific reason behind why sex can be so amazing, but I just have my feelings to describe this. And it was so sweet and lovely."

"Even though I failed?"  
"You can't fail at sex. You just haven't had enough experience, and that is totally fine. You didn't hurt me, Spencer." She let go of his waist to reach up and cup his cheek. "Oh, please believe me, you did fine."

Finally, he nodded and she used her thumb to flick away some of his tears. He smiled a little at her and she smiled back. "So, what does Rossi do that drove you wild?"

She felt a blush stain her cheeks as she cuddled in close to him. "He knew that I like having my breasts focused on. Not all women like that, though, so you have to listen to what she wants. And my clitoris is extremely sensitive. I can't take much stimulation there, like some women can." It was strangely freeing to talk to him like this, knowing that he wouldn't reveal any of what they spoke about.

"Austin asked me to go down on her. She seemed to enjoy that. Do you?"

"Not really, no. But then, I was never very adventurous when it came to sex. The most creative I ever got was letting Alan and David…" She let her voice trail off, not ready to reveal such an intimate piece of information about herself to anyone else. "I'm sorry. That's something I want to keep to myself."

"That's fine, Erin." He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and she sighed. "Austin did the same thing when I kissed her there. I never got to kiss Maeve, you know. Diane stole that from us, too."

She nodded against his chest, fighting the yawn that wanted to escape her body. He must have felt it, though, since he rubbed her back gently. "I was hoping you wouldn't mind my suggesting we take a nap before I fix us something to eat. Crying exhausts me."

"Me as well." She breathed in the scent of stale sweat and sex, comforted by the fact that it anchored her here, to this moment. It was not how she had imagined her afternoon ending, but it wasn't something she regretted, either. She hadn't been looking for a cure, but in his arms, she had found something to heal a broken piece of her heart.


	2. Chapter 2

"Did you recognize the fact that Maeve's stalker was named Diane?"

Aaron looked up at her, an open file on his desk. "No, I hadn't. Why do you think that's important?"

Erin shook her head as she closed his office door behind her, then closing the blinds. He looked at her quizzically and she pursed her lips a little as she took a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Really, I thought I paid you to be a little more observant of your surroundings than this."

The barb struck home and he closed the file, setting it aside as he steepled his fingers, his gaze hardening a little as he stared at her. "Obviously I am missing something here that you consider to be quite important. And that has me wondering two things. First, why you would presume to think you know Reid well enough to presume you know so much about him. Second, why you chose me to bring this to when if you were to know him well, you would know that his closest friend here is JJ. Care to explain yourself?"

The open hostility surprised her. They had been working towards having a friendly working relationship, even if they weren't exactly friends. Clearing her throat, she smoothed out her skirt before crossing her legs. From the corner of her eye, she caught Aaron following her move and wondered what he was thinking. "I could explain myself, if I wanted. Do you have any water?"

The question caught him off guard and he nodded before pulling open a drawer of his desk and handing her a bottle of Evian. She cracked the seal and took a sip, looking at him. It was rather late in the evening, and she was tired, so tired. Yet she knew she had to deal with this issue before it got too out of hand. "Aaron, you must understand that I'm not trying to meddle here. I know that he is close with Agent Jareau. Yet you are his boss. He respects you immensely, and I think you know that."

He nodded a little, leaning forward slightly to stare at her. "It almost sounds like you care, Erin. Explain further."

She settled back in her seat, staring at the bottle in her hands. A small part of her wished that it was gin or vodka rather than water, but the craving wasn't too bad that evening. They were getting fewer and farther between as the days went by, and she was grateful for that. "I do care. Spencer has always been on my mind. He needs someone to look after him when his friends can't or won't."

Aaron flinched at her words, and she smiled gently, wishing she could have been softer in her delivery of condemnation. "I know that some of the team went over to his house when we got back from the case and helped him get things in order once more. Obviously his friends are there for him and care about him."

She sighed, taking another sip of water. "I'm not talking about things like that, and I think you know that, too. What is Spencer's mother's name? Do you remember?"

It took a moment for him to make the connection. When he did, his eyes widened as his fingers tightened into fists. "How is it that you made this connection and none of us did the same? How do you know him that well?"

She had a ready answer for him. "Because I care about all of my teams. I know you because it is my job to know you. Just like I know that Agent Jareau is having marriage problems, and that you have broken up with Beth. Just like I know that Ms. Garcia has decided that giving her relationship with Kevin a second chance was a bad idea, and that she has no one to tell that bad idea to, since no one knew they were testing the waters. I watch you, look after you, and try to ease your way with things that are in my control. Your team gets results, you work well together. And this is the second tragedy of this nature that you have faced."

Aaron released a long breath as he looked away from her to stare at a picture on his desk. "I never wanted another person on my team to experience this pain."

"I know you didn't." Her voice was rough, tears tightening her throat. Aaron slid his eyes back to look at her and the hollowness there shocked her. "Aaron?"

"I've been missing Haley a lot, ever since Maeve was shot. My mind went back to the moment I heard Foyet pull that trigger over the phone and I felt just as helpless. I couldn't do anything, I was too slow in pulling the trigger on my weapon, I thought that Reid would be able to talk that woman down off the ledge."

"I listened to that call," she said lowly, certain that her voice betrayed how she was feeling, the roiling sea of emotions that threatened to overwhelm her coming to the forefront. Aaron nodded a little as he stood and came to her side, taking the chair next to her. "Ms. Garcia's calls are always recorded. Usually no one has the need to listen to them, but in this case, we had to. I had to listen to it over and over to form the questions that needed to be asked at the inquest."

The tears that had been so close to falling finally began to spill down her cheeks and she bit her lip as she tried to get her control back. "I didn't know that. She told me, afterwards, that you had cried when questioning her." He reached out for her hand and she clasped it tightly. "You know, I still don't like to talk to people."

"I seem to have gotten over that in the last year or so, Aaron. You're sort of forced to talk when you have a problem like mine. They say that if you keep it bottled up, it leads to more problems." A hesitant smile crossed her lips and he smiled back. "It is a little eerie that both of you should lose loved ones to a bullet."

"It is. And I couldn't save either of them. I should have better protected my team, my family. I feel like we're losing ground here and I have no idea how to stem the tide."

"Perhaps you can't, in this case. Perhaps you have to ride out the storm and see where it takes your team, your family." He nodded and lifted her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "Sometimes, the storm is what clears out the bad, leaving behind something better in its wake. I know that full well, now."

"Even if you're not with Dave?"

She nodded. "We, we just didn't work out well, you know?" She looked away from him, biting her lips as she tried not to think about where that line of discussion had landed her a few days ago. True to his word, Spencer had kept everything quiet, never breathing a word of their sweet day of lovemaking. Though he had sent her a bouquet of flowers the following day, a bright, joyful arrangement that had made her heart sing.

"The same thing happened between me and Beth. The long distance drove us apart more than I thought it would. I've seen other people make a relationship like that work."

"Like Spencer and Maeve. They never met, and yet they found a true and deep love. I envy them that, even though Maeve ended up losing her life. Love is ephemeral, fleeting, and they grabbed on to it with both hands."

"That they did." The light hit his eyes just right, and she was able to see that he was tearing up.

"Would you care to talk about what happened between you and Beth?"

He looked almost grateful for her request and nodded a little. Never letting go of her hand, he tugged her over to his couch and they sat awkwardly. "I'm more worried about the effect it will have on Jack. She was the first serious girlfriend I had after Haley. And he got used to her being in our lives. I haven't really broken the news to him yet."

"I see. Alan took great joy in informing our children that our marriage was over, never thinking of how they felt. At least you are a caring, compassionate, father." She looked down at their hands, wondering if he had any idea how much it hurt her to say those words.

Erin was a little shocked when he reached up to stroke her hair with his free hand. "I see. He should have thought of all of you." His lips caressed her forehead and the dam holding back her tears broke. "I never thought about how you viewed us, Erin," he whispered as he pulled her into a tight embrace.

"No one really does," she replied as she let herself melt into him. It felt good to be comforted, even if only for a short moment. "Would you like to know a secret?"

"It all depends on what sort of secret it is."

She smiled against his chest. "I think this is a secret that you'll enjoy immensely, Aaron. Agent Jareau fancies you. I might be willing to turn a blind eye to that, if you decided to pursue something with her. I think you both deserve a spot of happiness in your lives."

His hand crept lower, rubbing her back in gentle circles. Their silence seemed to stretch into an eternity and still, he held her tightly. Finally, though, he took a deep breath. "Why?"

"Because I want there to be some happiness in this team. The last time we were all together and happy was at her wedding. And even that was tinged by the bittersweet knowledge that Agent Prentiss was leaving. I am tired of death and despair stalking our family."

Her tears began to fall in earnest and she adjusted how they were sitting, wrapping an arm around his waist as she scooted closer to him, rubbing her face against his shirt. "Our family, huh?" he murmured before kissing the top of her head. "That will take some getting used to, coming from your lips."

"Then maybe I need to say it more often. Until you all get the message. You might have to do some of the heavy lifting with Alex, though. There are still a lot of hard feelings there, and I can't seem to get her to see how much things have changed."

"I think that can be arranged." Once more, he kissed her head and she felt her brow furrow in confusion.

"Why do you keep kissing me?" she finally asked, unused to the spontaneous displays of affection. Both Alan and Dave had been more reserved with their kisses, their touches. Even Spencer had been coaxed along during their afternoon together. This was so different from everything she had experienced.

"I don't know. You just seem to need this at the moment." His arms tightened around her and she sighed lightly as spread her hand out on his chest. "You know, if you really think that Reid needs someone to talk to, you should go see Jayje. I know that she is looking for a way to cure him."

"That's a typical mothering instinct. It's probably why I responded the way that I did. He's the baby of the team, really, and when I think of what he's been through…" Her voice trailed off as she curled her fingers into his shirt. "Do you know if he ever hears from Jason?"  
"Not a word. None of us have. I know he received a letter from him, after his resignation. Why would you ask?"

"The man was like a father to him. Everything he's ever loved has been taken from him, you realize. First his sobriety, then his father figure, then Emily, and now Maeve. Four major losses in six years is a lot for anyone to handle."

Erin felt his hand pause on her back as he nodded against her shoulder. "It is." She yawned largely and nuzzled her face into him once more. "Do you need me to give you a ride home? I wouldn't want you falling asleep as you drove."

"That might be nice," she mumbled, fighting to keep her eyes open. Gently, he pushed her up and she groaned a little. Once he had stood up, he helped her to her feet and she stumbled close to him as he guided her over to the door. Somehow, they made it over to the elevator and as soon as the doors were closed, he pulled her close to him, propping her up with his body.

The one thing she could focus on was how warm and safe he made her feel. Unconsciously, she burrowed closer to him, letting that warmth bleed into her as she fought to stay awake. It was a losing battle, she soon found out, as Aaron buckled her into his car. "I suppose I can take the sofa tonight," she heard him say, resignation clouding his voice as he started the vehicle.

The next thing she knew, they were parking and she blinked rapidly, looking up at him blearily. "Am I home now?" she asked, her voice sounding thick to her ears.

"My home, yes." He escorted her into the apartment building and without knowing how, they were soon in his apartment. Gently, he guided her over to his bedroom and tugged off her jacket, folding it and setting it on the trunk at the end of the bed. Then he pulled out an oversized sweater and came back to her side. "Here, wear this to bed. I'll run you by your place in the morning, so you can change."

She nodded a little, her head feeling so very heavy. "Thank you, Aaron."

"You're welcome, Erin." He bent and placed one last kiss on the top of her head and she sighed. "Sleep well. And tomorrow, I would talk to JJ. She'll want to know this about Reid, too."

"I'll try." He left her alone, and she quickly shed her clothes, pulling on the sweater. It was soft, and warm, and smelled like him. Crawling beneath the covers, she buried her head in his pillow, using his scent to calm her senses. It seemed like her two encounters with Alpha team were doing more for her than for Spencer, which had been her intent. It had seemed like she had not been looking for a cure for her own loneliness, and yet that was what was happening here. Sighing, she let her eyes flutter closed, smiling slightly as she heard Aaron creep back in the room and tuck her in before she fell completely asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hotch mentioned something about you wanting to talk to me?"

Erin looked up to see Agent Jareau standing there, looking vaguely disturbed. Smiling a little, she nodded and beckoned her into her office. The woman closed the door behind her and took a seat in front of her desk. There was an air of distress about her, like she didn't want to be there, and Erin wondered what Aaron had told the woman. "Yes, I did want to speak with you. Would you like any water?"

"That would be nice." The question seemed to put her at ease, and Erin smiled gently at her before getting up and going over to the little fridge that had replaced the liquor cabinet. Opening it, she pulled out two bottles of water and handed one to Jennifer before sitting back down. "So, what's up?"

"First, let me allay some of your fears. I am not being forced to hand you over to the State Department once more, you're not going anywhere if I can help it." The woman nodded as she opened the bottle, taking a sip. "How would you describe Spencer's behavior lately?"  
JJ cocked her head to the side, her eyes narrowing as she stared at Erin. "Are you looking to fire him? Is that what this is all about? Because I will have you know that he is absolutely fine, his behavior in the field has been exemplary. I won't let you get away with destroying his career like you almost destroyed mine!"

She blanched a little at the woman's vehemence, taking a long drink of water as she tried to calm the shaking of her hands. "Jennifer, that's not what I'm asking here. I honestly want your assessment of him, how you feel he's doing. I, I'm worried about him."

The woman's head shot up and they locked gazes. The shock evident in her caused a pang of regret in Erin's chest and she rubbed it absently as she took another drink. "Why would you be worried about him, Ma'am?"

"Because I know a little of how his mind works. When you are as intelligent as he is, you start to see connections, even where there might not be any. His mother's name is Diana."

It seemed that Jennifer made the connection much more quickly than Aaron had and she gasped lightly as she shook her head. "And that woman's name was Diane. I never thought about what that could mean to him. He seemed to be doing so much better after we all went over to his apartment following that case."

Erin shrugged a little. "Sometimes, we appear to be fine, but that's not really the case. Especially when you lose the love of your life. I think Spencer is a lot better at putting on a brave face than we all give him credit for, even me." She thought about their afternoon and evening together, the conversations they'd had, and sighed. "Maeve is gone, none of us can do a thing to change that, but I think that you need to step up and be the sister to him that he considers you to be."

Once more, the woman's eyes narrowed. "How would you know that?"

"We spent an afternoon together…"

Jennifer's jaw dropped as she quickly put together what had occurred that day. "I'll assume that no one else knows what I know, Erin?"

"That would be correct." Her cheeks felt extremely warm and she knew she was blushing. "Please, don't let on that you know about what we shared. It was a one-time thing, we both needed comforting that day, even though I didn't know that would happen when I went over there."

"Did, did it seem to help?"  
"A little. I think he's just so adrift, trying to find his equilibrium once more. He's not moving on from a breakup here, he has to learn to live again without a vital piece of his life." She blinked rapidly, willing the tears away and taking another drink of water. "But you, also, need to talk to someone, to find your balance once more. I've noticed how you get here later and leave earlier than the others."

The woman nodded, swallowing loudly. "Will's gone back to New Orleans, he's found a better life than the one he was living here." Jennifer couldn't meet her eyes as the words tumbled from her lips, as if she couldn't bear to admit that her marriage had failed.

"At least you have that distance. I get to see Alan every time we have an official FBI function. It's one of the perks of marrying a lawyer associated with your job." A tear splashed down on the paper in front of her and she smiled sadly at the pattern in made. "That's how I caught him, and that's what started my problem."

Jennifer looked up at her, her brow knitted together in concern. "That seriously sucks, Erin."

"Yes, it does." She drew in a deep breath and clasped her hands together tightly. "But I moved on, or so I thought. And I'm sure that you will, too, with time."

"I don't know about that. I feel like I'm adrift in a sea of uncertainty, and I've been trying to keep that brave face on for the team, since we really do need to be focusing on Spence right now. His concerns matter much more than mine do."

Erin shook her head. "I don't think that's true. All of you need to be able to be honest with each other, to be able to work together well. Has anyone asked after you?"

"Just Hotch." The woman's cheeks flushed a little as she said his name, and Erin smiled, too, knowing that the woman's crush was so evident to anyone who asked. "He's always asking after us. And he has been keeping me by his side while we're out in the field."

"He's trying to protect you. He is a marvelous profiler, and he knows that you need someone to watch after you." She shrugged as the woman looked at her oddly. "It's my job to pay attention to my teams, to see if they need anything. That's how I knew about Spencer's struggles and your troubles. I'm learning that a good Section Chief doesn't let petty squabbles come between her and her teams."

Jennifer nodded, her eyes focusing on the bottle in her hands. "Thank you."

"There's no need to thank me for doing my job," she replied, feeling a bit embarrassed. "It's something I should have been doing all along. I will let you in on a secret, though. Aaron and Beth have gone their separate ways."

That caused Jennifer to look at her, cocking her head to the side. "I didn't really see you in the role of matchmaker, Erin. And, isn't it against the frat rules?"

A wry smile flitted across her face. "So was my relationship with David. Certain things can be overlooked as long as there isn't friction in the team."

She nodded and let out a deep breath. "Do you miss Rossi? I only ask, because while I do have…I mean, I miss Will. A lot. And I want to know if, I mean, Penelope misses Kevin, too, and I feel like we should be stronger than that, that we shouldn't be dependent on having a partner in our lives."

Erin bit her upper lip, thinking about the relationships in her life. "I missed Alan for a long time. David was a different ball of wax, though. My heart aches to think about how we left things, how sometimes love isn't enough, especially when your beloved is still in love with a ghost. I've trained my heart not to miss him, because if I let myself miss him, I would never get past things."

"Oh, I never realized…" Jennifer got up and leaned against her desk, reaching out and resting her hand on Erin's shoulder. "I guess we're in the same boat here, then. Would you like to head out to lunch, perhaps? I know it's a little early, but…"

"I think I would like that, Jennifer."

"You can call me JJ, if you want, or Jen." She nodded a little as she pushed back from the desk and stood. "I don't know what to say to Henry," she said softly as Erin grabbed her purse from desk and followed her out into the hall.

"That is going to be a bit of a struggle. He's so young and probably missing his father so very much right now." JJ nodded as they stopped by her office and grabbed her purse. "Does Will contact him at all?"

"He calls almost every evening. But it doesn't replace the face to face contact that he was experiencing every day since he was born." They got on the elevator and rode it down to the lobby before stepping into the brisk February afternoon. Unconsciously they huddled together a little as they walked down the sidewalk. "I was thinking we could go to Yesterdog. I've had a craving for hot dogs all day."

"That sounds good to me." They continued on and then Jennifer turned into the restaurant, holding the door for her. "What would you recommend here? I haven't had the opportunity to try it yet."

"Anything, really. I prefer their chili dogs with extra cheese." She nodded at Jennifer's smile and they got in line. "We're together," she told the cashier before putting in her order.

"I'll have the same, I suppose," Erin said as she fumbled to take out her credit card. She was too slow, though, and the woman paid before she could even catch hold of it in her purse. "You didn't have to," she protested as they were given a number.

"I wanted to, though," she replied as they claimed a booth. "What kind of soda do you want?"

"Root beer, please."

Jennifer nodded and took their cups over to the dispenser. While she was gone, Erin pulled out a twenty from her money clip and slipped it into the woman's purse, not comfortable with her paying for her, when she had Henry to think of. "I saw that, you know. I have a toddler, which means I see everything."

Erin blushed a little, shrugging. "You saw nothing." Jennifer nodded, sliding her cup over to her, "So, how have the cases been lately? Not too much of a trial, I trust?"

Jennifer shook her head, once more focusing on her drink. "There have been some times when I wish I could be home with Henry, holding him close. I think that's because I don't have Will there to fall back on. My emotions are harder to control."

"That's to be expected, you've lost your safety net. Just, rely on Aaron, he's a tremendous help in situations you feel like you have no control over. And I've discovered that he can be a great listener, hearing even the things that we don't say aloud."

She nodded, a sad look crossing over her face. "I just with Mom lived here, or that we got along better. I need a mom to talk to about a lot of things."

Erin longed to say that her ear was always open, anytime she needed a sounding board, but was hesitant to do so, not sure how Jennifer would react. And then the younger woman reached across the table and held up her hand. Erin clasped it hesitantly, not sure how to react. "Jen?"

"I, that is, would you mind if I came to you sometimes?" Erin shook her head, smiling softly at her. "Thank you. I know we haven't had the best relationship, but there is something about you now, after so many things have happened, that calls out to me. And please, don't tell anyone else I told you that. I don't think that they'd get it."

She nodded, squeezing her hand gently. "When you're ready, you can tell them that we're friends. I understand why you'd want to keep me a secret."

Jennifer gasped a little, rubbing her thumb against the back of her hand. "It's not like that, I just want to save you from any gossip. It's not like some of the other don't think of you in the best light already. I, I wouldn't want to add any hint of favoritism."

Erin grimaced a little. "I didn't realize that the others still spoke ill of me."

"No one on Alpha, Hotch made sure of that. Blake tries to stir up trouble, because that's who she is. I'm learning to deal with her dismissive behavior."

The way that she said those words upset Erin, and she frowned, sipping at her soda. "Has she been putting you down, then?"

"Me and everyone on the team not named Hotch or Reid. She is such a, a, witch! I mean, I can see now why you had issues with her on the Amerithrax case. She doesn't listen, she doesn't collaborate, she condescends to everyone, it is a nightmare!"

"Why hasn't anyone said anything, then? I could have her written up for any one of those complaints."

Jennifer shrugged. "I think we try to make do, since Spence is so close to her. We don't want to do anything that would rock his boat too much. I can put up with a lot of things, if it means that he's okay."

The dedication that she displayed touched Erin's heart, and she sighed delicately. "You are a wonderful friend to him, Jen. Thank you for opening up to me about this. Do you think there's anything else we can do to make certain that he's going to be okay in the long run?"

"If anyone were to know that, it would be Derek. They're about as close as Garcia and I are. And I don't think he'd mind a visit from you, Erin. He really respects you."

Erin cocked her head to the side, wondering what she meant by that statement. "I really don't think that he could think of me very highly. I haven't exactly been the most even handed in my treatment of him."

Jennifer shook her head. "You'd be surprised, actually. Just, meet him in his office tomorrow, and bring him a large black coffee. He's really easy to talk to, once things get going." She smiled encouragingly at Erin and Erin smiled back, feeling a little more at ease by her proclamation. "He tends to get in by eight, these days."

"I'll keep that in mind tomorrow." Their food arrived, and Erin tucked in, relishing the somewhat unhealthy lunch, so different from her normal salads or fish. "Is there anything else that he likes?"

"Chocolate. He has a sweet tooth a mile long." Erin giggled as she nodded. It felt freeing to be included for a change, and she knew that she had found a cure she hadn't been looking for. "Actually, he loves marble cheesecake brownies."

"I'll keep that in mind, Jen." She finished up her lunch and then relaxed against the back of the booth. "I really don't want to go back out there quite yet. It is so cold out."

"I have nothing pressing to do today. And it's not too busy in here."

They locked eyes, and she sighed as a certain sense of peace settled over her soul. This was proving to be a very happy afternoon.


	4. Chapter 4

Erin sighed as she stepped into the elevator the next morning, juggling the coffee carrier and the bag of muffins along with her briefcase and purse. "Would you please press the six button?" she asked of her companion, and the man nodded, pushing it for her. She was already running later than normal, and she only hoped that Derek was still alone.

Finally, the elevator stopped on her floor and she hurried over to her office, dropping off her purse and briefcase before dashing out and over to Agent Morgan's office. She noticed that the light was on and she gave a relieved sigh. Reaching up, she knocked lightly on the door, listening for his answer.

"Come in!" he called out and she took a deep breath, turning the knob and entering his domain. The first thing she noticed was his head bent over a file, working away, and she couldn't stop the smile that came to her lips. "What do you need?"

"To talk." His head shot up and he looked at her in shock and confusion. "I brought your favorite coffee." Erin held out the cup holder, her smile faltering a little as his eyes narrowed in suspicion. He latched on to the shaking of her hand and stood up, going over to the door and closing it, flicking the lock closed.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked shortly, indicating for her to sit down. Hesitantly, she took a seat, wondering where the animosity was coming from. Jennifer had told her that he would be receptive to her, after all. Setting the bag of muffins on the desk in front of her, she went to pull his cup of coffee from the holder, only to have it splash on her.

"Ouch," she hissed, hurriedly setting his cup on the desk and then trying to brush off the liquid. "Dammit." Without thinking, she set aside the other cup and pulled her blouse out of her skirt, lifting it up to look at the spot where her skin ached.

"Are you okay?" She looked up and shrank away from him a little, not feeling too safe with him so close to her. Which didn't make sense, since he had always been courteous, if short, with her. "I won't hurt you, I promise."

She nodded and then shrugged. "I think it will leave a blister. This was a thin blouse, and the coffee was really hot." She blushed when he reached out and touched the red spot. "Please, don't. This is already questionable."

Derek looked up into her eyes, a sad smile flickering across his face. "So, I'm questionable?"

"No, I am," she whispered, looking down at the floor. "I brought chocolate chip muffins for us, too." Erin brushed his hand away, tugging the blouse back down over her stomach.

Still, he knelt in front of her, and she felt her eyes begin to tear up. "I love chocolate."

"JJ told me that yesterday. She said it would be a good peace offering." She chanced a look up at his face, and saw that his brow was furrowed. "I wanted to ask you how you thought Spencer was doing. I'm worried about his well-being."

"Ah, I see." There was a softness to his voice that made her look into his eyes. "Care to share a muffin?" Erin nodded slowly, watching him open the bag and pull one out. "These are huge, I'm glad that I have someone to share it with."

She began to blush a little, nodding. "Am I really that much of an ogre?"

Derek frowned a little, somehow picking up on the hurt in her voice. Shaking his head, he pulled the top of the muffin off, handing to it her. "No, you aren't. I was just in a bad mood this morning and took it out on you."

She nodded, picking at the muffin before reaching for her coffee and taking a sip. Derek held his hand out for his cup, and she handed it over, trying to ignore the flutterings in her stomach when their fingers touched. "So, about Spencer. How do you think he is really doing?"

There was a long pause, and she looked up into his eyes. In all the years that she had worked for him, she had never taken the time to really notice his eyes, how beautiful they were, so full of light and depth. His face relaxed in a smile and she relaxed a little, too. "I think he's finding his footing once more. Last week, I wouldn't have said that, but something happened that made him want to begin moving on."

She nodded, looking away from him. "That's good to hear. Jennifer told me that the two of you were very close, like brothers. I'm glad that he has someone he can turn to in this world."

"And don't you, Erin?" His question cut to the heart of the matter, and she shook her head a little. "What happened to you and Rossi? I caught a few of the looks you threw his way, when you thought we weren't looking, and it seemed like you were falling in love with him."

"I was in love with him. He's still in love with Carolyn. I couldn't compete," she whispered, holding on to her coffee even more tightly. "After all, how do you compete with a ghost?" She sipped at the drink, needing to focus on something other than her own sorrow.

"That sucks." She nodded absently, feeling more than seeing him get up from where he had been leaning against his desk and kneel in front of her. "Erin?"

"Hmm?" she murmured, feeling a million miles away from this place as she thought about David. Looking up at him, she smiled absently, hoping the pain didn't show too much in her expression. He reached out and covered her hand with his and she sighed lightly, curling her fingers around his.

"You still love him."

"Yes. A little." She began to cry, to her horror, and he slipped the cup from her hand, setting it on the desk behind him before capturing her other hand in his, squeezing tightly. "You don't have to comfort me, I'm learning to get by on my own. My acid tongue has ensured that people will hold me at arm's length."

"But what about your tender heart?" She closed her eyes, unwilling to see what was in his expression, and shook her head. "You can't lie to me, Erin. I know your heart is tender. I saw it for the first time when we were out in Milwaukee. A tender heart reacts exactly the same way you did when you stepped on that woman's hair. A tender heart offers to give whatever boon a grieving husband might want to ask for. A tender heart goes to a wounded man and asks after him, offering him comfort for a day."

"You know?"

"I put a few things together. But it wasn't until you came here today that I knew for certain who had helped him take that first step in getting better." Derek let go of one of her hands, reaching up to cup her face and brush a few tears away with his thumb. "That was very sweet of you, you know. And indicative of a tender, caring, lovely, heart."

She shrugged slightly before gasping as he pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "Derek?"

"You looked like you needed a kiss." Sighing a little, she leaned forward to rest her head against his, breathing in deeply through her nose, his cologne tickling her senses. "Thank you for taking care of my friend."

"I would do anything to keep him here and sober. I know now how tenuous that grip can be." Derek nodded and rubbed his thumb along her cheek bone. They fell silent, the coffee and food forgotten as he comforted her without words. "Would you mind if I adjusted how we're sitting? My arms are aching."

He nodded and she slipped onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Where's your heart at right now?"

"I'm hurting, Derek. I've talked with Spencer, with Aaron, with Jennifer, and yet, my heart still aches. I know we're dealing with that awful person stalking us, and I don't want to be a burden, but there's no one I can turn to. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to talk me down off the ledge. And my children, my dear children, they don't know how hard it is to cope with these feelings."

He nodded against her head and she burrowed close to him, feeling free enough to let herself cry against his chest. "And yet, you reached out to make certain that someone else was all right. You put the team's needs ahead of your own and that is so lovely." He kissed the top of her head and she sighed as the tears kept coming.

It seemed like they sat there for hours, but it was really only minutes before she lifted her head and pressed her lips against the firm line of his jaw. "I think I'm going to head home, Derek. I don't feel well, and I want to get this burn tended to."

"Let me take you home. It's the least I can do to make up for treating you badly this morning." He smiled winningly at her, and she found herself nodding slightly. Derek helped her up from the floor and before she could protest, he pulled her tightly to him, rubbing her back gently. "You are a lovely person."

"Thank you," she murmured, resting her head on his chest. The tender feelings in her heart scared her slightly, but she tried to stay relaxed, tried to just let herself go with it. After a moment, he let go of her before handing her her coffee cup and the bag of muffins. "I'll need to grab my purse from my office."

"All right, I'll be waiting for you by the elevators."

She nodded and stepped out of the room, quickly heading back to her office. Helen was there, and she smiled at the woman. "I'm going to take a personal day, Helen. I'm suddenly not feeling all that well. Hold all my calls and be out of the office early, if you can get away."

"Of course, Erin. I hope that you feel better." She smiled warmly at her assistant before slipping into her inner sanctuary and grabbing her purse and coat. Heading quickly over to the elevator, she smiled as she stepped in next to Derek, letting him press the down button.

"You look exhausted," he said softly as the doors closed.

"I didn't sleep well last night. I was rather nervous about this morning." He frowned a little before stepping closer to her side, his arm coming to rest around her waist. "I guess I shouldn't have worried, you're being so kind. It's just, well, I've never been the easiest person to get along with, especially to your team, and you've all been so kind to me lately."

"You deserve kindness. I know how hard you've worked. I thought I heard that you've become a sponsor yourself."

Erin felt a bright blush come to her cheeks as she nodded. "Yes. I've done better than I thought I would. I've tried to make my children proud of me once more. Once they start talking to me again, that is." His large hand began to rub up and down her side and she sighed lightly, turning in to him. "Do you know, I find it much easier to turn to people these days? I've missed out on so much by being closed off here."

"I understand. I'm glad you're letting us in, little by little." He kissed the side of her head and she smiled, welcoming the tender touch. The elevator doors opened, and they stepped out, only to run into David. He looked at them, his brow furrowing in confusion, shock, and hurt. "Erin isn't feeling well. I'm taking her home."

"I see. Is that what you want, Erin?"

She couldn't meet his eye any longer, so she looked down at the cement of the parking lot. "Yes." Stepping closer to Derek, she reached out blindly for his hand, relieved when he threaded his fingers with hers. "I'll be back tomorrow. Have a good day."

David made a soft noise in the back of his throat and stalked off. Erin slumped against Derek, and he once more stroked her side, comforting her. "I think you should take a nap when I get you home."

"I think that would be for the best," she replied, letting him nestle her close to his heart as he led them over to his car. Gently, he helped her into the front seat, and she buckled the belt as he went over to his side, quickly taking off. "Don't you need directions to my place?"

"My apartment is close by."

"Oh." She curled up as best she could in the seat, staring down at her hands. "Will you at least be gentle?"

There was a long pause and then Derek let out a long breath as he pulled into an empty parking lot, stopping the car and turning to look at her. "Oh, Erin." Reaching out, he caressed her cheek softly before leaning over and kissing her gently. "You are going to go to sleep and when you wake up, I am going to make you lunch, and we are going to talk. We are going to find you a cure for this ache in your soul."

She nodded slowly as the first tears began to slip down her cheeks. "All right." He smiled at her before kissing her once more. It didn't take long for him to get to his home, and she smiled as she looked at the duplex. "I wasn't looking for a cure, you know."

"Sometimes the cure finds us." He pulled into his parking space and turned the car off, coming over to her side and holding out his hand. "Come with me, Erin." She nodded and clasped his hand, letting him lead her up into his place.

A large dog bounded over to them, and she clutched at his arm. "Sorry, I'm not too good with dogs."

"It's okay. Down, Clooney!" He pointed away from them and the dog ran off into another room. "Were you attacked by one when you were younger?"

Erin nodded. "But, I've tried to get over that fear. He just startled me, that's all." She tried to stifle her yawn, but he still caught it, smiling gently at her.

"Here, I'll show you to the bedroom." Taking her hand, he led her down the hall to a cozy room. The bed dominated it, and she shook her head a little as she slipped off her shoes, losing several inches to him. While she did that, he pulled down the covers, and patted the mattress. "Is there anything in particular you'd like for lunch?"

"Grilled cheese," she murmured as she stretched out on the bed, pulling the sheet up around her shoulders. The pillow smelled like Derek, and for some strange reason, that relaxed her, made her feel at home. "Kiss me?"

"Gladly." He leaned in and brushed his lips over hers delicately, causing her to sigh. "Sleep well. When you wake up, I'll have some cream to put on that burn, too." She nodded and closed her eyes, wishing she felt free enough to ask him to stay, to curl up around her, to hold her until she fell asleep.

And then, the bed dipped, and his body was curving to fit hers, his arm coming to rest around her waist. Her blouse was still untucked from earlier, and she stiffened in shock as he slipped his hand beneath, his thumb moving up and down over her burn. "Thank you," she whispered, letting herself relax into the welcoming arms of sleep.


End file.
